loneliness

Contrary to how social media may make it seem, studying abroad is not all happiness and gelato. As I sat at Pizzale Michaelangelo, my favorite sunset spot, I got my first real feeling of homesickness.

Truthfully, I have had very minimal homesick moments, and they don’t last longer than a minute when I do. The moments are temporary. But while I was listening to my playlist, a song came on. I was instantly reminded of something permanent: the death of a friend.

It was a song that played at his funeral and one that I haven’t follow been able to listen to since he died, but for some reason, I just let myself listen to the whole thing. I sobbed about it for the first time since he died. Being reminded of something so final opened up a gate for me, and I could not help the tears.

Like most people, after I got this emotion out, I felt I could finally see things with a little more clarity. Usually, I am put into a more lighthearted mood, but I was hit with the harsh feeling of loneliness this time.

I am very independent, so I love being alone, but feeling lonely is something entirely different.

I live in a different country with new people while being 4,000 miles away from home. So naturally, feeling lonely is expected to come with this experience. But as an extrovert, it is not something I am used to feeling.

Loneliness comes in two forms: separation and unknown. You are either lonely because you are apart from someone or something you love/miss, or you feel lonely because what is to come is unknown. You feel as if you are waiting for something but can not grasp who it will be. Like a lover or an idea that just hasn’t sparked yet

For me, it is a combination of the two.

I am apart from family, friends, my dog, and my typical lifestyle. I am apart from home, in all aspects. I have started over in a new country with friends I haven’t known for longer than six weeks. While these girls are amazing people that I have gotten very close to, they do not know all the aspects of my life, nor do I know theirs. 

When you are sad, you cling to something comforting. But when you are living outside of your comfort zone (literally), what is there to cling onto?

This is how strangers turn into friends, and friends turn into family. You form friendships by sharing information and confiding both your best and worst moments in somebody. If you think about it, it’s kind of cool. The sole reason you are sad or confused is often the reason for why you bond with someone.

Now, often we don’t feel like sharing all of all trauma and personal stories, which is where inner strength comes in. You grow as a person and let the sadness give you perspective on those little things that are usually not worth your energy.

While separation is the majority of the loneliness I am feeling, the element of unknown is also very present. Each day I encounter new places and new faces, I have no idea what to expect when I wake up, and truthfully that exhilarates me. But that feeling only lasts so long. 

People in love constantly surround me. I am the mutual friend and the person for so many people in relationships to go to with advice. I even set a few of them up. While I LOVE being that person, it inevitably makes me wonder if I will ever find someone I wholeheartedly want to give up being single for.

I trust that it will work with the right person at the right time. But there’s always that fear in the back of your mind that it won’t. And suddenly, the world seems like a scary place.

The switch of perspective is everything. If you are so focused on what is to come, you will miss out on what is here. And the harsh reality is that the people in your life now are going to be the ones you miss next.

So my advice to anyone reading this is to let yourself feel these feelings. Play that music or click on the photos you know will make you sad. Take as much time as you need and understand that the feelings are temporary. And then cling onto something you can depend on in the current moment. FaceTime that friend, go for a run, or listen to that song that always puts you in a better mood.

Loneliness makes you appreciate all that you have. It will make you a better version of yourself for when you reunite with those people/things. Or, when the unknown you are searching for presents itself.

Let yourself feel those emotions, but know that you are not alone. April showers bring May flowers baby, that quote is a cliche for a reason.